Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
