I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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