I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just had sex on a roof
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
