I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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