I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
organizing the empties. That sober.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
