i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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