guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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