what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize