I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
