I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
