How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
