It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
