The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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