Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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