he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
