Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
