My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
