Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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