I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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