he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
