I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish