You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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