They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Randomize
