there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
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buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
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Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize