oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
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You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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