I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
