last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know itβs 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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