Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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