So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
