Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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