dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm sobbing to NWA
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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