I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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