Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
