you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
being pregnant is like rehab
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
