I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
