This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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