everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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