I looked at my own cervix.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Randomize
