Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
