Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
