What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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