Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
