ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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