Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
