had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
