Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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