i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Randomize
