i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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