You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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