Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
