its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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