Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
