I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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