Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
