Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
should my penis look like a turkey
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I don't deserve a penis
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