I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
