this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
