if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
