The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
