textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
