Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
