when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
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