Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's official drugs can't kill me
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
