it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
